OMG! OTP
by Charlesworthy III
Summary: Every one's in love with Edward: nothing new, really, but for once Edward isn't playing along.  Mostly EdWin parodies but Edxeveryone.  Eventual Mary Sue in later chapters.  Rated T for swears and innuendo.  Chapter 5: BONUS; come and see
1. EdWin

Edward Elric woke up to the smell of bacon. Ed likey the bacon. He sat up almost immediately, and straight up, glad that his brother was cooking something exceptionally good this morning, and walked towards and out of the bedroom door.

Wait. Bedroom door? Since when did he own an apartment?

For a moment, he spaced out a bit and a thought filled his head in a very mechanical manner. _It doesn't freaking matter you have an apartment or that it is in Central or that you have no reason whatsoever to have an apartment or at least not a very well explained one. Deal._ This answer satisfied him and he started walking towards what he assumed to be the kitchen. However, Ed's forehead met with a flying wrench before he could go five steps.

"Edo-kun! Back in the room!" growled Winry's voice. "Get back in bed! NOW."

Ed got back into bed without even asking why Winry was calling him 'Edo-kun'.

"Now pretend you just woke up!" Winry shouted. This time she was in the hall, walking towards Edward's aforementioned bedroom-he-shouldn't-own.

There was a soft clanging of some metal and glass and what sounded to be like a china glass falling onto hardwood and shattering, accompanied by what sounded to be like a teenage girl shouted "hot hot hot" and giving a yelp. Ed couldn't be too sure though—he was too busy fearing for his life and trying to pretend like he was sleeping and about to wake up.

There was a moment of silence before what sounded to be like a teenage girl mumbling something about 'damned china cups'. Edward resisted the urge to get up and see what the hell was going on. This ended the moment that Winry entered the bedroom door.

"Morning sleepyhead!" she sang, a far cry from her previous bitchy attitude. "I made you breakfast in bed!"

Ed wasn't sure how to act so he sat up and leaned on his elbows. "G-good morning, Winry... What the hell are you doing?"

"Edo-kun, don't swear!" Winry gave him a slight glare and he noticed the wrench in her pocket.

"Right... G-good morning, Winry," he repeated, "What the _heck_ are you doing?"

"Silly! I just thought I'd bring you breakfast in bed!" She set down the tray of food on a dresser that shouldn't be in the room that shouldn't belong to Edward Elric and sat down on the bed next to Ed. There was an awkward moment of silence, in which Edward sat up all the way and stared at Winry with a look of confusion.

"Baka! Why aren't you saying 'arigato'?" Winry asked, pulling the wrench out of her pocket and holding it with a clenched fist.

"Because I don't know what that word means!" Ed exclaimed. "What the he-" he stopped, catching himself. There was _no way_ that he was getting hit again. "_Heck._ What the _heck._ Are you saying?"

"Baka!" she said again. "Edo-kun, you are such a baka sometimes!"

"What is a baka?"

"Idiot. Baka. You." Winry pouted. "You didn't even thank me for the beautiful meal I prepared for you."

"Winry..." Ed started, trying to pick his words carefully.

"-chan," Winry said. "You're supposed to say my name with the proper suffix."

"Winry-_chan_," he repeated, as instructed, through gritted teeth. "Where the _heck_ is Alphonse?"

Winry smiled, seemingly happy. This girl was getting more bipolar than Ed could remember. "Aru-kun? I told him if he left us alone then he could keep the first neko he found. He asked what a 'neko' was but left any way."

Ed decided to not ask for the definition as a neko—it was probably synonymous with 'kitty' any way—and gulped. "Why did you want us to be left alone?" he inquired, despite not wanting to know the answer.

Winry's innocent smile turned itself into a smirk and her eyes changed from the happy-go-lucky girl she stole them from to seductive mechanic.

"Edo-kun," she breathed. Edward's face turned bright red as she laid herself on top of him. She stared directly into his eyes, her face only inches from his own. He gulped again. "I only thought you'd want some time alone with me... I am your mechanic you know... Auto-mail attachment is very intimate, don't you think?" Winry put her head on his chest and started to draw a little circle on his shirt with her finger.

"W-Winry... Er... Winry-cha

* * *

edwardelric_bby2543 [3:46 PM]: ya so im stopin mi fic

kawaii-neko-gurl80 [3:46 PM]: o rly? u no it was rly good

kawaii-neko-gurl80 [3:46 PM]: but y u stop riten it?

edwardelric_bby2543 [3:47 PM]: idk writers block mayb it just seems lyk no 1 lyks it ne more

edwardelric_bby2543 [3:48 PM]: im gonna rite a new 1 tho, dont wrry :)

kawaii-neko-gurl80 [3:48 PM]: yayy! im lookin froward 2 it, gurl! :]

kawaii-neko-gurl80 [3:48 PM]: wuts it gunna b about den?

edwardelric_bby2543 [3:49 PM]: lol idk. defintly edwin tho. im thinkin au mayb

kawaii-neko-gurl80 [3:50 PM]: lol wuts au?

edwardelric_bby2543 [3:59 PM]: lol idk ithikn its lyk a dif place n time w/ th same charries

edwardelric_bby2543 [4:00 PM]: dun wrry tho cuz ive got big plans 4 dis 1! BIG PLANS!11!1

kawaii-neko-gurl80 [4:00 PM]: lol ok cant wait ;]

* * *

Meanwhile, the bacon-filled breakfast sat on the dresser in the bedroom Edward Elric didn't own, cold and uneaten.

* * *

Edward Elric woke up, this time, on a couch. The first thing he saw was a box of light, with people moving around inside of it. "What the hell?" he asked, furrowing his brow and staring at it intently. Thoughts crossed his head, but he couldn't think of any reason for this box working, or even what it was there for. Luckily, something came by and distracted him.

"Haha! Morning, Ed." This was Alphonse's voice. _Thank God!_ Edward thought. _Besides that box, everything seems normal._ "Fell asleep watching TV again, huh?"

"T...V?"

"Television. Jeez you're out of it." Al chuckled again and he heard the shuffling of what sounded like a bookbag on a table. "I made you a pop tart. You're gonna have to eat it on the way to school though. We're running late."

"Pop tart?"

Alphonse shook his head, slung the backpack over his shoulder, and grabbed the pop tart. He walked over to his older brother, still sitting on the couch and offered the pop tart to him. "Pop tart," Al repeated with a smile and a 'what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-you-today' look in his eyes.

This time Edward got a good look at his little brother. Same blonde, cropped hair and golden eyes that Ed remembered. But that was what was wrong (besides the fact that he was dressed in skinny jeans and a hoodie).

"Al...! Y-you... How did... When did we get your body back?" Ed asked, mouth agape. His little brother back in the flesh—what could be better?

"I never lost it in the first place...?" Al replied. "C'mon we have to go, Winry's-"

Alphonse was interrupted by a doorbell. He just threw the pop tart at his brother and walked off. "Grab your backpack, Brother. Winry's already waiting for us."

Ed stood up, gave a menacing glare to the television, and grabbed the bag he supposed was his. It was a lot heavier than he ever remembered school bags being. But what the hell did he know? His brother was back in the flesh, even though they didn't have to go to school any more they obviously were and... What the hell? His right arm was back as well! For a moment, Ed contemplated what other pleasant surprises might be in store but gave up all hope when he found Winry's hair straight and flat and depressing.

"Oh hi Winry," he started. "Erm... Your hair..." Edward took a moment to blush silently, to keep the awkward adorableness you've come to expect from EdWin.

"What about it, Ed?" Winry asked innocently. "You like? I straightened it this morning. Granny said she doesn't understand the appeal of it but..." She let her sentence trail off, to keep the awkward adorableness from going away.

"Yeah I... It looks... Nice." Ed had an enormous amount of trouble lying to Winry, so he changed the subject fast. "Where's Al running off to?"

Al was running off, waving to Winry and Edward, shouting "See you later, guys!" Ed wanted to know how he could manage to run off with a backpack as heavy as his own—if indeed it was as heavy.

"You haven't noticed?" Winry laughed, "He's got a _major_ crush on that exchange student from China."

"Mei Chang?" Ed couldn't help but asking. Now that he noticed it, when everything was normal, Alphonse did seem to have the hots for that pipsqueak.

Winry grabbed onto Ed's right arm and started hugging it. It felt like she was gonna tear it off. "That was why he was learning Chinese, idiot!"

"He's learning Chinese?" Edward knew of no such thing.

Winry didn't answer his question because for all intents and purposes they had made it to the school in record time despite Ed finding it terribly hard to walk with a 5,000 pound backpack and Winry attempting to rip his arm off. They made it to their class—which they shared for the sole reason because they are uber-cute together (squee)-the same moment the bell rang because that is like the _only_ way to make it into class.

The teacher took attendance by calling out every one's name so the reader could be reminded who Ed and Winry are, along with the handful of side characters only true fans would recognize who would probably share a class with Edward and Winry.

"What? Colonel Bastard? What the hell are you doing here!" Edward shouted incredulously, between bites of pop tart. He still wasn't sure what a pop tart was but he had to admit that it wasn't that bad.

Winry shot Ed a meaningful glare. "Ed! What are you doing!" she whispered. "He's the teacher!"

"I don't care if he's a teacher—wait! Why the hell would the Colonel be a teacher!" Edward shouted, totally disregarding the fact that Roy was within earshot _and _still of a higher authority than Ed.

"Edward," came the smooth voice of Roy Mustang. "Am I going to have to write you up? It's bad enough I can never read your homework... _If_ you ever turn it in, that is."

The whole of the class started laughing. Ed growled at Roy. Even as a teacher, the man always had a hold on Ed and seemed to know everything that was going on. There was still no way in hell that Ed would consider calling him 'Mr. Mustang'.

"I know you have quite the imagination, Ed, but calling me 'Colonel' is a new one." The same smirk played on Roy's face as he wrote down attendance from the podium at the front of the classroom. The very smirk that had gotten on Ed's nerves so many times before. "I understand you have a _short_ attention span but I always thought be_littling_ others was below you..."

"What did you just call me, Colonel Bastard?"

"Detention," Roy said, rather happily in fact. "Too bad you won't be able to see your girlfriend after class today."

Winry shot him a harsh glare. He had, after all, just ruined their plans for tonight that Edward had no idea were even in place. Edward finished his pop tart in silence with a angry gaze at nothing in particular. Roy started the lesson after that, but because no one really cares about that—or anything that happened after that—it was avoided easily and Ed was in detention drawing transmutation circles on a desk.

During this, Alphonse and Mei had some adorable couple times together but nobody noticed because this fanfic is purely EdWin.

* * *

**A/N: This is something I've wanted to start for awhile. Something purely crack that makes fun of the fact of all the crazy FMA pairings out there. Things will get crazier the more it goes on, I promise. Hope you like!**


	2. RoyEd

edwardelricbby_2543 [12:04 PM]: so abby guess wat! i jst lernd about dis ting 'yaoi' n lyk omg im changing all mi fics cuz ed n roy r jst lyk sooooo perfeck 4 eachothr! hoep u lyk lots 3

* * *

Edward woke up the next morning without any memories of the school, the flat-haired Winry, restored Alphonse, or Roy Mustang acting as a Health teacher. However, he did remember the out of character Winry coming onto him and that the room he woke up in was a part of an apartment that he did not own and that was moderately unsettling.

When he walked into the kitchen he was dismayed to find that Alphonse was not making bacon for breakfast, or even cooking any breakfast for Ed at all. Instead, the suit of armor was laughing quietly to himself while several cats sat on top of him, clawed at his leg, slept on his lap, and batted at his fingers.

"Morning Alphonse," Ed growled, directing his anger at the kittens but taking it out towards his brother. He glared at his younger brother—practicing for the next time he saw that bastard of a colonel.

"Good morning, Brother!" Al chimed in return, not paying any attention to Edward at all. "I'm sorry for not making breakfast but Larabel here mewed for milk and then Davy started mewing too and soon all of them were mewing so I couldn't say no."

As soon as Ed knew he was talking about the cats, he stopped listening.

"We only had a carton in the fridge so I used that but I thought you wouldn't mind. I was going to get some more later because you really should drink some, Ed, it's good for you. But I didn't want you to think that I disappeared or got kidnapped by another Mary-Sue and decided to wait until you visited the Colonel."

Ed stopped. He stopped rummaging in the fridge for something that actually somewhat resembled food (failing to do such) and looked at his brother with a surprised look on his face. "I have to see Mustang today?"

Al looked at Ed for a second, taking his attention away from the adorableness that was now crawling into his chest plate. "Well, Ed, I just thought that you would today, seeing as you have every day for the past week."

Ed did a spit take even though he wasn't drinking anything. 

"What! What the hell is that bastard making me do?" Ed shouted. Several of the kittens recoiled in fear. "That son of a bitch! I bet he's forcing all his paperwork on me while we're here, just so he can go on a date with the Lieutenant!"

"The Colonel and the Lieutenant?" Al asked, taking a break from trying to get the cats to calm down. "I can't imagine her ever agreeing to go out with the Colonel."

"I meant Havoc."

"Oh. That makes a lot more sense."

A thick silence hung in the air as the brothers just stared at each other for the next five minutes.

"Any way..." Ed started to look in the cupboards for anything eatable. "Why the hell can't we just continue our freaking search for that damned philosopher's stone and forget that bastard even exists?" Ed shouted again, as if there weren't those three lines of dialogue that were even somewhat civilized.

Ed failed in finding anything to eat, listening to his brother, and getting dressed _without_ accidentally tripping on his pants and falling on his face so he left to go to Central HQ while his brother was talking about how Winry called and saying how she should visit sometime.

Edward made it to Central HQ surprisingly quickly. It was probably due to the fact that he was pissed and he, being the completely responsible and type of boy NEVER known to procrastinate or sleep on trains, made it there lightning-quick. That, or it may've been the rocket shoes. That could've been it too.

Either way, Ed got there with leaving only two alchemist-shaped holes in the walls and disturbing only three higher-ranked officials with his screaming.

"Colonel Bastard!" Ed shouted as he kicked down the door for the tenth time that week.

Roy Mustang and his subordinates all looked at Edward as if him kicking down doors was just a fact of nature—no more rare than someone eating food.

"Good morning Edward," Roy said, his voice devoid of emotion, as he returned to 'reading' the paper he held in his hand. "I'm busy right now."

"Yeah I BET you are," Ed said, taking a seat on the couch, pouting, glaring, and crossing his arms.

"I am," was the bored reply. Roy glanced over to Riza, and got a small glare in return. That was Riza's #17 glare. It meant 'if you don't finish your paperwork soon, I promise to cancel your dates for a month'. Roy had made the mistake of not believing she could do such a thing the first time he saw it. "Why are you here, any way, Fullmetal?"

"I've been coming here for the past week and I still don't know why!" Ed lied. He wasn't even sure if he had been going to HQ for the past week, but he was fairly sure it had something to do with the colonel being a bastard. There was a reason Ed called him 'Colonel Bastard', after all.

Roy's face lost its normally calm and collected look and flinched for a moment like it did when Riza slapped him. "Ed..." he said softly, his normally smooth voice sounding a bit whiny. "Can it wait until later?"

"No. No, I don't think it can," Ed said with a glare that could set a wall on fire.

Roy glared at the diminutive alchemist. Then Roy burned his paperwork with a snap. Then Riza slapped a whole new copy of the sheet he had so carefully destroyed on top of the ashes of the previous one. Then his other subordinates laughed at him; especially Ed. Roy sighed and looked over to Riza longingly, silently begging for her to take his work away from him. He was returned with Riza's #2 glare, which meant 'if you burn another sheet of paperwork I'll learn enough alchemy and burn _you_'. It could have also meant 'if you burn another sheet of paperwork I'll shoot you' as well, but it depends on how its used in context.

The silence in the room was deafening and Ed wondered for a moment if it was always like that before he decided to break it.

"Colonel Bastard, just tell me why the hell I've been coming here for the past week and I'll leave."

Riza gave Roy her #37 glare: 'hurry this conversation up, Roy, you've got work to do and I am _not_ spending another all-nighter here with you'. Roy sighed again. Why was the runt pulling a stunt like this after the week had gone by in secretive bliss. Oh how Roy wished for an easier life!

Colonel Mustang struck a dramatic pose in his mind. It involved a hand on his forehead, the other on his chest, and a dethorned rose in his mouth. He took of his shirt just for good measure.

This time, Roy got her #12 glare: 'stop that'.

Havoc coughed because he is a smoker and checked his watch. "Colonel, it's about lunch time," he said. Falman, Breda, and Fuery let out a sigh collectively, as if they'd been holding their breath since Edward arrived. They all stood up. "You coming with?"

"I'll... catch up to you later," Roy replied, after sending Ed a look. Roy wasn't as good at glaring as Riza was, so whilst his meant 'you better not leave; I need to tell you something', Edward misinterpreted it for 'forget it, I'll buy you lunch later'. Ed liked spending Roy's money, so he stayed.

Roy stood up and chased his subordinates out, slamming the somehow-magically repaired door behind them and pointing to it as he gave Ed a look that wasn't coupled with a condescending smirk or full of an annoyed glare. "Now you mind blockading the door?"

Ed was a little shocked. He just nodded, thinking it'd be better if people couldn't hear them while he beat the colonel to a pulp and almost laughed to himself, thinking that Roy must've been feeling pretty sick to not have openly glared at him. Roy hadn't even given his trademark smirk since Ed arrived or found a clever way to call Ed the S-word. Edward clapped his hands and transmuted the door into a solid wall because he's a loyal pet of Mustang.

"Thanks," Roy said with a sigh, collapsing onto the couch. "But seriously, why the hell did you come over so early? I thought you knew to come over after lunch started."

"...No," Edward said dumbly. He stood by the door-wall still, just staring at the totally out of character Mustang.

For the first time that day, Roy gave Ed an expected glare. But it died after he sighed. He stood up and walked towards the smaller alchemist. "Look Edward," Roy said. He leaned down and kissed Ed on the forehead. "You know that I-"

"WHAT THE HELL." Edward jumped back, ran around Roy and stood behind the colonel's desk, wanting to get something between him and the older man. Looking around for some sort of weapon, but not finding anything, he transmuted his arm into a sword because it's just too damn convenient. Ed pointed the sword at his superior and it gave off a sparkling glint because it does that all the time. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO COLONEL BASTARD."

"Ed," Mustang sighed, slouching over himself. He seemed truly hurt by Ed's actions and slowly approached the desk. "Look, I understand your brother just died and that it's like going through puberty all over again-"

"Alphonse? But I just talked to him this morning!"

"See, Edward, you're confused. I understand what you're going through, but what you need right now is some one there for you," Roy explained. Ed's guard was down, and Roy was now close to him, and lowered his auto-mail arm. He was dangerously close to Ed's face. "Let me be that someone," he breathed sexily.

Ed's face turned the same color as his jacket because awkwardness is adorable.

* * *

In the cafeteria, Riza, Havoc, and the rest of Roy's subordinates who aren't important were just sitting down for lunch. They all picked at their food lazily, not wanting to eat, because they couldn't do anything without their colonel. Except for Riza and Havoc, they just picked at their food because they had tragic pasts (or in Havoc's case; futures) and felt bad for the other men.

Then, Riza had an epiphany.

"I just had an epiphany," she said, blinking her eyes.

"What is it?" the other men asked eagerly.

"I have discovered the reason why Roy's been eating lunch in his office with Edward this past month. And I don't like it."

Havoc, Fuery, Breda, Falman, and Black Hayate who probably shouldn't have been there in the first place gasped. Riza stood up and slapped her hands on the table, determination shining in her amber eyes. Her lunch tray jumped at the impact and she walked off angrily, while the men all sweat-dropped because you know, why not?

* * *

Roy had managed to get Ed's shirt off (all three of them) and wasn't wearing a shirt himself when Riza managed to kick down the wall that had been recently transmuted from a door. She was fuming and held her shotgun in one hand, fully loaded with the safety off. She noticed Ed's right arm was thrown in the same corner as his shirts.

"Help mh-" Ed started to shout, but he was silenced with Roy putting a hand over his mouth.

"Hello, Riza," Roy said, acting perfectly calm as if he and Ed weren't dangerously close to each other and both lacking shirts.

The lieutenant raised an eyebrow in response. "What the hell are you doing, sir?"

Roy had nothing to say, so stayed quiet. Ed started squirming but wasn't able to do much. Riza pointed the gun at Roy's forehead.

"Colonel, let Ed go." He let Ed go. "Ed, get your arm and clothes back on." Ed did as told, and screamed when he reconnected the nerves. "Now, Ed, get the hell out of here."

Edward gladly jumped out the window, breaking it, and ran off, forgetting about his rocket shoes.

"Colonel! Now get back to your paperwork, sir!"

"Y-yes, Hawkeye!" Roy responded, for a moment feeling as if he weren't higher ranked. He hurriedly tried to get his shirt back on.

"Sir! With all due respect, leave your shirt off please."

Roy paused for a second, but put it down gently, giving her a strange look and returning to his paperwork. "Thank you, Colonel. I'll be right back, with lunch for the both of us." She shot Roy her #9 glare which meant 'don't do anything stupid while I'm gone' and left.

Roy sighed and started drawing doodles of Ed and hearts on his paperwork.

* * *

Ed had calmed down about ten feet away from his apartment building—probably because the previous three apartments he had thought was his weren't. He was thinking about all the possible reasons that Winry and Roy could be acting so strange and decided on investigating. All he had to do was get Al and head to the library and put some research into it.

Thus, the plot was born.

* * *

kawaii-neko_girl80 [9:14 PM]: OMG LILY UR FANFIC IS LYK SO TTLY AWSUM

edwardelricbby_2543 [9:14 PM]: OMG u rlly think so?

kawaii-neko_girl80 [9:15 PM]: ya ttly. ne way ur b-day is comin up wat do u want?

edwardelricbby_2543 [9:16 PM]: lol idk make me sumthin specail

kawaii-neko_girl80 [9:17 PM]: lol i no! ill rite u a fic!

edwardelricbby_2543 [9:17 PM]: OMG RLLY? i luv u soooooo much!

kawaii-neko_girl80 [9:20 PM]: lol i no u do ne way u want fma rite?

edwardelricbby_2543 [9:21 PM]: ya. make it yaoi 2

kawaii-neko_gurl80 [9:24 PM]: alrite im gunna start it nao. ull luv it!

* * *

"Alphonse! Al!" Ed called into the apartment when he walked in. "Hey Al!"

"What is it, nii-san?"

"Man, Al, you have NO idea what the hell happened today, I mean... Al... Oh my god... You-"

And thus the plot was lost as if it had never been found.

* * *

**Ooooh left on a cliff-hanger have I?**

**I guess you'll just have to stay tuned for more! Hahaha!**

**Any way, the first chapter was probably more popular than any first chapter ever. Thanks you guys so much! The more you like, the more I write, and I promise that there's gonna be a little something different for the 5th and 10th chapters.**

**This one didn't seem as funny as the last one so I added more random. If you want, tell me if you prefer random nonsense or stuff that's funny and fits. Thanks again!**


	3. Elricest

Edward woke up again for the second time that day. It wasn't because he took a nap or anything reasonable but because he fainted after seeing his brother back in the flesh. Now that he was awake and staring his naked younger brother in the face, he could finally get some questions answered.

"Alphonse! Wh-what the hell?"

"What do you mean, nii-san?" Al asked in return, smiling innocently.

Ed just stared for a moment. "What DON'T I mean! Why the hell are you speaking broken Japanese? Why the hell do you have your body back for no possible well-explained canonical reason? And why the hell are you naked? I have like fifty million clothes in that dresser over there that I shouldn't even own!" There was a small pause in Ed's 'canon rant' and Al just stared at him like he was the one being stupid. The older brother took this upon himself to add to it.

"And why the hell won't you make me bacon?" he whined.

Al just giggled a little bit. "Nii-san... Stop breaking the fourth wall."

Even though Ed had no legitimate reason for respecting Alphonse any more, he bowed his head and said "Sorry Al." He looked back up at his younger brother and raised an eyebrow. "Seriously though, why won't you make me bacon?"

Al giggled a little bit, stood up and smiled. "Sure thing, nii-san," he replied, obediently walking into the kitchen.

"And put some clothes on!" Ed called after him. Ed was perfectly fine with his brother having his body back, but Ed would not condone his brother suddenly becoming a nudist. Edward maybe a total douche sometimes with his God-Complex and cocky behavior but unmoral was something he was not.

"Okay, nii-san!" Al called from the kitchen. Ed nodded to himself as if to say 'that's right, I'm the older brother' and decided he might as well try to figure out what was going on regarding every one acting so strange. But because Edward's thinking pattern is so strange and funny and makes for a good conversation, the author deliberately left it out.

Either way, soon enough Ed got tired of giving himself a headache and went into the kitchen when he started smelling bacon. Thankfully, when he walked into the kitchen to get some, his younger brother was clothed... If only by wearing a pair of loose-fitting jeans. In fact, Al sort of reminded Ed of a picture book he found in Winry's room one time. What did she call it? Mungah? All Ed could remember was that it was backwards, Winry wouldn't let him read it under any circumstance, and when he saw her reading it, her face was bright red.

He decided not to pay too much attention to Alphonse's strange behavior and enjoy this bacon while it lasted, so he sat down at the table with a plate full of bacon. Al sat down across from him, and didn't seem to be able to look at the older Elric.

"What's wrong, Al?" Ed asked between mouthfuls. His brother blushed, and Edward couldn't help but give a sigh of relief. Four years after Al was trapped in the armor, and still he hadn't changed a bit; Ed could still read his face well.

"Nothing, nii-san," Al replied quietly. Edward smiled.

"So is this about another girl?" Ed's smile turned into a smirk, and Al blushed harder. This was an excellent cue for Ed to continue to push his brother's buttons. "I bet it's that Xingese pipsqueak, isn't it? The one with the little cat. What was her name again...? Mary Chan... Rey Cha? Hmm..." This sort of script was the same one Ed used to get Al to admit what girl he had a crush on several times before but this time Al didn't look like he was getting as flustered as he normally did when being questioned like this.

"Oh, I remember, her name was-"

"Actually, nii-san," Al interjected. He looked up to Ed but couldn't stare for very long. Ed raised an eyebrow. "I-it's not a girl this time..."

_Huh? Not a girl?_ Edward thought. The Fullmetal Alchemist's one-track mind couldn't handle this sort of thing. "What do you mean?"

"W-well..." Alphonse blushed harder and started pressing his index fingers together nervously. "I... I want to tell you something, nii-san." Ed tilted his head to the side like a puppy, with a strip of bacon hanging out of his mouth, also like a puppy.

"What is it, Al?" Ed thought they got over these whole 'brother I have something I've been afraid to tell you blah blah blah angst' dialogues months ago.

"Nii-san... I... I love you."

Edward furrowed his brow. They were brothers. 'Love' wasn't the first word that came to mind, but they were related and they were basically best friends. Love was meant in a brotherly way as well, wasn't it? This is what Ed preferred to believe Al meant.

"Well... Uh... Sure, Al, I love you too. We're brothers, aren't we?"

Al blushed harder, which surprised Ed because his face was already so red Ed didn't think it could get any redder. "A-actually, n-nii-san... I'm... I-I love you i-in the other way."

This time it was Ed's turn to blush. "But Al! We're _brothers_. Don't you think that's a little... Unnatural?"

"I-I don't care!" Ed was a little shocked at how straight-forward his younger brother was now. Sometimes Al acted so submissive and other times it was like Ed and Al were clones of each other (albeit Al was always nicer). "I love you, nii-san! I love you more than everything! I love you more than kittens!"

Edward couldn't help but gasp. Al loved him more than _kittens_. Even if it was his brother, and it would be totally weird for them to get together in a relationship that was more than friends, Ed had to admit that he was a little flattered.

"S-seriously? More than _kittens_?"

"Hai, nii-san." Ed raised another eyebrow at Al's continued use of broken Japanese. He assumed that Al wasn't saying hello to him because that would just destroy the conversation they had been having. Edward also decided he'd have to invest in a Japanese-to-English Dictionary if his friends kept acting this way.

Ed wasn't sure what to say after that, but said something any way. It was what he normally did any way, and that _always _worked out well for him in the past. "I'm sorry, Al, but it just won't work out," he said. His voice was uncharacteristically quiet—wanting to put his brother down easily.

"I understand, nii-san," Al replied, just as soft as Ed had spoken. He looked down at the table sadly, while Ed continued scarfing down his breakfast. It was a while before he spoke again. "If I can't have you," Alphonse said determinedly, standing up and slapping his hands on the table top, "then no one can."

Ed wasn't sure how he felt about that but he was sure as hell that it couldn't mean anything good.

Al then left Ed to eat his bacon in peace and went out the door—slamming it. Edward simply shrugged, glad he finally had his bacon, and continued eating without a second thought.

* * *

The next few days were undeniably strange, and that was only the first of several thousand phrases crossing Ed's mind on the matter.

First, Winry showed up again. This time, she appeared to be acting like her normal self—the complete definition of an annoying girl that Ed found attractive for some reason. However, when they sat across from each other at the table, talking about auto-mail and dogs and alchemy and whatever else came to mind, Alphonse sat on the far edge of the room. The younger Elric was watching the two with an almost murderous intent in his eyes.

As soon as Ed noticed this, the air hanging in the room suddenly became way more tense.

"Hey Al," he started nervously, "Why don't you join us at the table...?"

"Sure thing, nii-san," Al responded, smiling happy and sitting down next to Ed. Sitting uncomfortably close to Edward, in fact.

Winry smiled. "We were just discussing how you might've gotten your body back, Al."

"Yeah, Al," Ed started, "You never told me, you just made me bacon."

Al changed the subject. "You don't like my cooking?"

"No that wasn't what I meant," Ed said. "I mean..."

"It's alright Nii-san," Al replied with a smile and proceeded to snuggle up to his brother's arm. Ed made a highlarious anime expression and Winry stared at them like they were crazy.

"Is there something I should know about going on between you two?" Winry asked slowly, not knowing if she wanted to know the answer.

"No," Ed said.

"We're dating now, Winry," Al said sweetly, the smile spreading wider on his face.

"No we're not," Ed said. He was ignored.

"Erm right," Winry said, blushing. She had read about this in one of her manga and now that her dream of two boys dating had finally come into fruition, she had to excuse herself in order to contain the girly squeal that was working its way up her throat. "I'm going to leave now... I've got... Auto-mail things bye!" She ran out the room and into the hallway, where she let it all out.

"SQUEEEEEE OHMIGOD OHMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT I—Winry, calm down, girl. Phew."

Ed and Al stared at the door, a little traumatized. Then Al placed a kiss on Ed's cheek.

* * *

The next strange thing to occur, took place in Central HQ, after Ed had been called in by the Colonel.

"Here's your mission, Fullmetal," Roy said, handing a dossier to Edward without looking up from the paper he was looking at. It was a very interesting note and Roy was fascinated by the Lieutenant's curvy handwriting.

"Yeah yeah, thanks," Ed said sarcastically, taking the manilla folder and opening it with detached interest. "So what's all this about? You've never given me missions before. I didn't even know the military had missions."

"I have it right here," Roy replied. "It says... 'I hope no one finds out about us, I don't believe any one would-' Oh sorry, that's Riza's note... Uhm... Here it is." He grabbed a paper off his desk. It was very official looking with the Fuhrer's stamp of approval on the bottom and 'Statement Number 2047: State Alchemist Assignments'. There was only one thing missing.

"It's blank," Roy stated.

Ed glared at Roy, pissed at having his time wasted. "Good bye Colonel," he said, walking out of the office to where Alphonse was waiting for him in the hallway. The door opened before Ed could open it, and Riza Hawkeye stepped in, accidentally bumping into Edward.

"I'm sorry, Edward," she apologized, "I wasn't watching where I was going."

"Who you calling so short he- Sorry, Ms. Riza. Force of habit. It's alright."

Riza just smiled at him. "Don't worry, Edward. I think you're growing taller," she said.

At that moment, Ed's heart grew wings and started flying. "You really think so?" Ed asked, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. "I mean, I knew that I was growing but I-"

Riza just gave a little laugh. "Don't worry too much about it, Edward. It's unattractive."

Meanwhile, in the hallway, Alphonse was fuming. He stepped into the office, fists clenched.

"Hey Al," Ed said meekly.

"That's Alphonse?" Riza asked. "I had no idea you two restored his body!" She smiled. "I never knew you were so handsome, Alphonse. Congratulations."

Alphonse just glared at her. Ed ran over and behind him, hoping that it would be possible that he could get his brother to calm down. He knew what happened when he got angry, but he had never seen Alphonse angry. He wasn't sure of what Al was capable of.

"Don't," Alphonse started, "hit on my brother. He's _mine_."

Riza blinked. "Alphonse I didn't mean to... My anger management classes told me that making people smile is a good way of-"

"_Mine_," Al repeated for emphasis and grabbed Ed's arm and walked off.

"Oh Hawkeye~" the boys could hear Roy call from his desk. "Will you look at something for me?"

"Sir?"

"I appear to have misplaced my shirt and my new tattoo is displayed for all to see," Roy replied.

The Elric brothers made a point to never again linger around the office when Roy and Riza were left alone.

* * *

The third—and luckily for Ed the last—strange thing to happen happened after the two had arrived at the apartment which Ed still didn't think was theirs.

"Alphonse did you really have to hold my hand the whole way here?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"People were staring at us and-"

A knock on the door interrupted Ed. He looked back to the manilla folder which lay open in front of him. Ed had been trying to read it but got as far as 'Edward Elric has been assigned the following task along with...' before he got bored and decided to bother Al. He realized the knock on the door must be from the person who he was supposed to take on this mission.

"I got it, Nii-san!" Al chimed and answered the door. He found himself face to face (well face to forehead, she was considerably shorter than him) with a girl who will be described later. She gasped.

"Alphonse!" she shouted, pointing at him with an accusing finger. "You're not supposed to be here!" She screamed and slapped him out of existence which surprisingly worked. After this, she let herself in and walked over to where Ed was sitting at the table.

"Edward Elric, I presume?" she asked.

Ed looked up. "Yeah... Where's Al?"

"He got kidnapped."

"WHAT?"

"Any way, I'm on the mission with you. My name is Sharise Yuuko Skye Elizabeth Raven Kelley. I'm the Bleeding Rose Alchemist, and I was assigned that mission with you."

"You said that twice. The mission part."

"No I didn't."

Ed gave up and attempted to mentally prepare himself for the hell that lay ahead of him.

* * *

**A/N: I apologize for how long this took to get out but I didn't have many ideas and I didn't really like this chapter. I like it a lot better now, and I hope you do to. Thanks for all the people paying attention to my story. To those who reviewed and I didn't respond: I didn't ignore you, I just think it's redundant to say 'haha thanks' to whatever you have to say. **


	4. Dawn of the MarySue

**A/N: Excuse me for the first person-ness but I'm going to attempt to do a whole lot of different styles of Sues, as well as EdWin.**

* * *

xXxWhisperingxSonataxXx [12:01 PM]: yeah abby you should checkit out :3

kawaii-neko_girl80 [12:02 PM]: ur fic? ya im reading it nao n its rlly cool!

xXxWhisperingxSonataxXx [12:02 PM]: haha you think so? thnx! ^^

kawaii-neko_girl80 [12:04 PM]: yw! but i dont get it who is th main chaarchter?

xXxWhisperingxSonataxXx [12:04 PM]: haha shes my own character i made her up myself :)

kawaii-neko_girl80 [12:07 PM]: thts so cool!111!1! is she lyk u r somethin?

xXxWhisperingxSonataxXx [12:07 PM]: ha i wish i was like her! :D

* * *

_Third Person POV_

Sharise Yuuko Skye Elizabeth Raven Kelley was a State Alchemist. She was also a thirteen year old girl who became a State Alchemist when she was only 11 years old (and 11 months). Therefore, she was the youngest State Alchemist the military had ever seen. Though she was 13, she could easily pass for a 18 year old, because she was so well-developed and had a mature face. This mature face was extremely pale, round and had two big sparkling red eyes. Sharise herself had long white hair that reached her ankles and would be totally impractical if this weren't a fanfic.

However, these sparkling crimson orbs that belonged to the girl standing in front of Edward Elric contained an immense sadness that seemed to mask a dark, sensitive past, that she would no doubt reveal to Edward approximately five minutes after she met him.

In fact, the two had just gotten onto the train in an excellent episode-transition that the author didn't hesitated to leave out.

_Sharise's POV_

I couldn't believe it. THE Edward Elric was sitting in front of me. We were on the train to North, the place specified on the mission specs. Currently, Ed was reading over it while every one loaded up the train. I shifted nervously in my seat and started staring at my feet. I hoped he wasn't thinking I looked stupid. After all, I had to have my uniform on, which consisted of an open jacket, a white blouse, a miniskirt, and my favorite pair of light blue fishnets.

Ed put the manilla folder down on his leg, sighed, and looked out the window. Did I dare talk to him?

"So you're the Fullmetal Alchemist," I started slowly. He turned his head towards me. His golden eyes looked angry.

"Yep."

"How did you get that name? I got my name because when I cut myself—I can transmute my blood into roses and the roses have special powers." I smiled, revealing my pointed teeth. Ed didn't seem too interested. He just made a sound, grabbed his right arm with his left hand, and turned back to look at the passing scenery. "What do you like to transmute?"

"My arm," he responded. "Which I would really like to stick in you."

"You transmute your arm?" I asked incredulously. "How? That's—That's amazing human alchemy being able to-" I stopped myself, watching him clap and transmute his arm into a blade. He pointed it at me, standing up, and immediately fell back into his seat because the train was moving.

"Oh," I said. "It's metal." He glared at me in silence. "OH!" I shouted. "It's metal! You're the Fullmetal Alchemist and your arm is metal! Haha, I get it! The Fuhrer's hilarious."

Ed just continued glaring at me and transmuted his arm back. His face was going to stick that way, but he was being mean so I didn't point that out to him.

"Hey..." I started after what felt like 15 minutes but what was really 15 minutes had passed. "You can transmute without a circle too?"

"Too?" he asked. "Can you?" He seemed to have calmed down now, and was staring at me as if he were interested. I blushed, though I'm not sure how I realized this.

"Mmhm," I responded. "Wanna see?" I asked, eager to demonstrate my ability.

"No. Did you see the Truth?" he asked.

"Yeah that person that said it was me but if that were true then I would also be God and the universe? That's the Truth?" After I said that, his jaw dropped.

"So you... committed the taboo?" He paused and leaned into me, looking to the side for any one that maybe listening to us. "Human transmutation?" he whispered.

"Yes," I responded solemnly, lowering my head. My face darkened. "When I was younger," I started, sobs escaping my perfectly shaped lips. A tear started down my face. "My mother abused me as a child.. And when she died, I tried to bring her back with the same science that changed me..." I started crying, but Edward didn't seemed too phased by it. I didn't mind though. My tears were mine.

"Changed you?" Ed asked, curious as ever. "How?"

"My mother... Was an alchemist. And she... Transmuted me with... With my own pets!"

Ed must've seen the sadness in my eyes, because his face became that of absolute horror.

"That's right," I affirmed. "My puppy... My kitty... My bunny... Even my pet turtle, speedy... They all became part of me..."

"You're a chimera?"

"Yes! And now we're destined to be unable to love eachother! I am a monster!" I sighed melodramatically, and wiped away a tear from my eyes. Ed still looked at me. I was impressed his attention span was this long.

"What did you lose?"

"Lose?"

"From the Truth. The Truth takes something from you... Depending on what you tried to bring back..." Ed looked sad, but continued. "What did you lose?"

"Oh... He took my virginity."

"WHAT?"

Tears started welling in my eyes again. "Isn't it tragic!" I started crying again. When I looked over to him, he bit his lip. He must've seen me in a new light now that I had a tragic past. I bet he was thinking about how adorable I was when I cried and how he should tell me about his tragic past because if I knew anything it was that Edward Elric had a tragic past.

_Ed's POV_

All I could think about was how hungry I was. I bit my lip. This chick was gonna expect me to tell her my tragic past now wasn't she? Well I was not about to do that. No woman would get the better of Edward Elric... Well, maybe Winry. But for some reason every time I tried to think of her today, my brain wouldn't let me. Like that part of my mind was blocked off... Almost as if she didn't exsist.

"Mom died and me and my younger brother were terrified of being alone. Our dad left when we were little, and she was all we had left of a family," I said. Whoa. I did NOT want to say that. Thanks brain, whatever the hell you were doing.

"Oh Edward," Sharise said, reaching over and placing a comforting hand on my cheek. It burned.

"So we brought her back to life... Or wanted to," I continued. _STOP IT ME,_ I thought angrily. I was trying to punch myself in the face but it really wasn't working. "I lost my arm and leg and my brother... lost his whole body. He was all I had left of a family, so I transmuted his soul into this giant suit of armor. Now he's 3 feet taller than me and he's... Kidnapped." Hey. I didn't know Alphonse was kidnapped. I was scaring myself now. I tried to calm myself down with my thoughts.

_Just remember Ed, you're awesome. You are so awesome in fact, you know things you don't know and you can't move your body. Awesome._

Sharise took this opportunity to place her other hand on my other cheek. I started staring at her black nail polish with little white flammels. "Edward," she started firmly. "Look at me." I obeyed, begrudgingly, and looked at her.

"Don't look so sad," she said. "Your brother may be gone, but I promise we'll find him. And in the meantime, you have me." She leaned in, and kissed me. KISSED ME! I wanted to bite her lip off or something but she pulled away too fast. "And I'll always love you Edward."

* * *

**edwardelricbby_2543 has signed in.**

kawaii-neko_girl80 [2:20 PM]: o heyy lily u shud ttly chek out michelle's fic!

kawaii-neko_girl80 [2:20 PM]: its rlly awsum!

xXxWhispering666SonataxXx [2:21 PM]: o its really not that good... ^^;;

kawaii-neko_girl80 [2:21 PM]: ya it is!

edwardelricbby_2543 [2:26 PM]: uhh who is dis chik whos in luv w/ ed?

xXxWhispering666SonataxXx [2:26 PM]: sharise? lol shes my oc. i made her up myself! ^^

kawaii-neko_girl80 [2:26 PM]: ya int she cool?

edwardelricbby_2543 [2:28 PM]: y r dey kissin! ed is winrys, not sharises!

kawaii-neko_girl80 [2:28 PM]: i thout he was roys... r did phtoobuket ruin tht 2?

xXxWhispering666SonataxXx [2:30 PM]: no! ed is totally sharises! :(

edwardelricbby_2543 [2:30 PM]: no wai sharise is jst a stoopd mary-su!

xXxWhispering666SonataxXx [2:30 PM]: YOU TAKE THAT BACK SHE IS NOT A MARY-SUE! :(

kawaii-neko_girl80 [2:30 PM]: guys stop fiting! bsides wats a mary-su?

* * *

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL!"

I looked around for the owner of the voice. The train had long since arrived and all the people had cleared out. One look out the window told me all I needed to know. We were in Resembool.

_Winry's POV_

I slapped that bitch upside the face. It felt good. I mean, I was waiting at the station for the train to pull in, and hopped on, to see some chick kissing Ed? I wasn't about to let that happen. So I slapped her again just for looking at me funny.

_Ed's POV_

"Winry?" I asked, glad that she slapped Sharise. "What are you doing here?"

_Third Person POV_

Winry smiled at Ed and placed her hands on her hips. "I got on this train, it's headed for Central and I want to go there. I just saw you two making out so I decided to stop it."

"I only kissed him!" Sharise objected, but by this point in the story she was forgotten completely.

"So Winry," Ed started happily, glad to be speaking to some one he actually liked. "Why are you going to Central?"

Winry blushed slightly. "I've got a pen pal there and he runs a prosthetic shop. I wanted to go visit him, and this was the earliest train I could get. But if you guys came from Central, that means he was on it and he wins." She sighed.

"Wins?" Ed inquired.

"Yeah we wanted to have a contest on who could visit who first. He wins. He gets to get me to make him free auto-mail for one of his customers. That's how it worked."

"Ed, we should be leaving, the mission... Your brother..." Sharise started, trying to wrench the two of them apart.

"Oh Ed, how's Al doing? Where is he?" Winry asked.

Ed shrugged. "I'm not sure. Sharise slapped him out of existence." He stood up and started walking off the train with Winry, leaving Sharise behind.

"Is that even possible?"

"I didn't think it was until today, actually."

And thus, Ed and Winry walked off the train and back towards the Rockbell house. As soon as Ed was 15 feet away from Sharise, she disappeared completely in a puff of canon, causing Alphonse to reappear next to Ed in the exact same puff of canon.

As soon as the three left the station though, they saw some specific person asking a nonspecific station guard for directions. He didn't seem to be too important, so they didn't pay much attention to him until after they heard him speak.

"Excuse me, sir?" he said in a light southern accent. "D'ya know where I can find tha Rockbell Prosthetics shop?"

"Of course. Just follow that road, it's straight ahead and up that hill. There's a few signs to show you where," the man replied happily. "Why, did you need a fix up?"

The boy laughed a little. "Nah, Winry jus' lost a bet o' ours, an' she's gonna make me a free prosthetic."

Winry heard this last statement and stopped. "Mark?" she asked, turning towards him. "Are you Markus Fayeton?"

"You're Winry Rockbell?" he asked in return. "Whoa, I thought you were gonna be pretty but I didn't imagine you to be this gorgeous!"

Winry blushed. "Mark! You made it!" she said enthusiastically, running over to him and giving him a hug. He dropped his suitcase to hug her in return.

Ed scowled at this guy. "Who's this?" he asked, ready to punch him in the face.

Winry giggled. "Ed, Al, this is Mark. He's my boyfriend!"

* * *

**I hate it when fics are sorted like this into different POVs. Don't mind if it's through separate chapters, but this just annoys the crap out of me. **

**Don't really like this chapter, and I'm probably not going to like the next one. Also, chapter 5 is coming up, so there'll be a bonus! I'm going to try to get these up on a schedule... So look for updates next Wednesday.**

**Also, Markus Fayeton is an actual OC of mine—not just a made-up Mary-Sue for this fic. Just in case you care or anything.**


	5. BONUS 1

_You unlock this door with the key of imagination._

_Beyond it is another dimension._

_A dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind._

_You're moving into a land of shadow and substance, a land of things and ideas.  
_

_You've just crossed over into..._

* * *

Edward Elric steps off the train with his younger brother Alphonse in tow. He calls to Alphonse, motioning with his arm that they were leaving. He seems uncharacteristically excited to get into the town they had stopped in, and runs off, his younger brother struggling to keep up.

"Brother! Hey! Wait up!"

The two rush past other travelers and exit on the other side of the station. Ed puts his hand up to his forehead to block the sun from his eyes.

"C'mon Al, you're so slow!" he tells his brother for the tenth time that day, before running off.

A third, less important man exists the station. There is a small smile at his lips. He folds the newspaper he was pretending to read and takes the cigarette from his mouth.

"Here we have two boys aged 15 and 14," he explains. "Two brothers living extraordinary lives. They're a strange duo with an even stranger reason for their objectives in life. This average town of Resembool, Amestris, will prove to be stranger because not only are these boys passing into a world of poorly developed characters and cracks in the fourth wall, they are also crossing into... Fanfiction-dot-net."

* * *

kawaii-neko_girl80 [8:01 PM]: LYK OMG LLILLLIILILY CHEK OUT MI FIC I MAD A NEW 1

edwardelricbby_2543 [8:02 PM]: ok jez abby calm don im doin it

kawaii-neko_girl80 [8:02 PM]: :)

edwardelricbby_2543 [8:12 PM]: lolz abby dis iz lyk so funny!

* * *

okkz gaiz if dere r ne questionz u wanna ask den reveiw cuz i wil ttly use dem!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hey Al, did you hear something?" Ed asked, after he thought he heard something.

"Why, what was it?" Al asked in his own special way of saying 'no'.

"It sounded like some one speaking broken English and then saying the letter X a bunch of times." Ed looked around curiously, to see if he could see any one that might've said something. There was no one in the dark room the brothers had found themselves in. They didn't even remember how they got there.

"Weird," Al replied, also looking around to find out where they were. "Brother, do you know how we got here?"

"No..." Ed said slowly, eyes narrowing. "But it's kind of pissing me off."

The two continued walking forward, as when they had turned around there was no significant sign that they had entered. Assuming that the door had been shut and locked behind them, or there had never been one in the first place, they continued through the dark. They didn't mind much though, this was a normal day for the Elric brothers. After they had walked for what seemed like an hour (or five minutes, Ed was feeling kind of impatient that day), a huge light shone down in front of them, revealing a dark figure sitting in a chair on a wooden floor.

Ed started, light momentarily blinding him. "Who the hell are you?" he shouted, pointing a finger at the figure.

"Welcome... to..." the figure said. Their voice was muffled and slow, it was almost impossible to make out what it was saying.

"The hell?" Ed asked quietly, a little unnerved by the creepy scenery he had currently found himself in. He stepped forward into the light, which only seemed to blind him further. Turning to Alphonse, he said, "You comin', Al?"

"Fullmetal... Alchemist..." the figure continued. But it was ignored.

"Of course, Brother..." Al said tentatively. He stepped into the light, which flashed.

Ed closed his eyes tightly against the blinding light, and when he opened them saw his little brother in the flesh. "What... Alphonse, you! What the hell is going on here?" He was happy sure, but that didn't keep him from wanting to find out what had happened. He did, after all, just waste 4 years trying to accomplish what that light did in approximately 4 seconds. He turned back towards the figure, and when he did the darkness around them faded into a room.

The room was undescribed. It was a room. It was so roomy, this room, that the roomness of this room just made any one inside of it think: _Wow. This is a room. _The figure inside of this roomish room also started to fade from a dark shadow-like creature to a girl with average hair, an average face, and nothing really spectacular about her except for the limited edition Final Fantasy Christmas T-shirt she had won in a contest 3 weeks prior to this meeting. She turned in her chair to look at Ed.

"TRUTH OR DARE!" she shouted exuberantly, a huge smile wiping across her face.

"Excuse me?" Ed and Al asked at the same time. Albeit, Ed's tone was a lot more pissed off than Al's.

"But, y'know, this really won't do," the girl said, looking around the room. "We need more people. More people equal more fun." She pointed at the room's ceiling, which opened into a black hole, which plopped a bunch of characters into the room that weren't bothered to be listed.

"The hell?" Roy asked, standing up and rubbing his now-sore butt.

"Excuse me, Sir. What just happened?" Riza asked him, wiping invisible dirt off her pants.

"I... Don't know. Where did Fuery go? He'd know. He's got glasses," Roy answered, rubbing Riza's now-sore butt as well.

Riza slapped his hand away. "And Falman and Breda. They were in the office with us."

"Am I really not important, guys?" Havoc whined, taking a drag from his cigarette. The average girl slapped the cigarette out of his mouth.

"EW DON'T SMOKE IN MY ROOM," she said in unnecessary capital letters.

"Oy! Fullmetal Shrimp! Where the hell are we?" Envy asked, also rubbing Riza's butt because his hurt from the fall.

"Don't call me small or I'll dye your hair pink!"

Envy stopped, grabbed his palm tree-like hair, and huddled in the corner whimpering.

The girl, stomping on Havoc's cigarette as he joined Envy in the corner and sobbed, looked around at the collection of characters she had in her room. She turned towards a direction, looking at no one. "Welcome to Fullmetal Alchemist Truth or Dare!"

"WHAT," every one in the room asked, turning towards her dramatically with equally dramatic looks on their faces. An invisible audience cheered and applauded, shouting random and totally false statements like "Edward Elric is mine!" and "Roy and Winry were made for each other!"

Roy and Winry looked at each other because they had no idea what that guy was even talking about.

"Truth or Dare," the girl repeated with an annoying giggle. "Alright, I'm your hostess with the mostest, kawaii-neko_girl80! But cause that's too hard to type out I'm just Kawaii Neko! Alright, since I am the fanfic author which officially allows me to break the fourth wall, I will go first." She scanned the room with her eyes thoughtfully as every one mechanically placed themselves in a circle, except for Ed.

"What the hell's going on?" he asked, looking over at Al.

"C'mon, Nii-san, no use avoiding it," Al said tiredly.

"You too, Al?" Ed asked horrifically, but didn't get an answer. Kawaii Neko blew a whistle, her eyes fierce.

"Circle, people!" she commanded. "NOW!" There was a fiery rage in her eyes now, and that sort of thing caused every character in the room to listen to her, and they all sat down in a circle a little afraid of what was about to happen.

Kawaii Neko herself, stood on a chair at one point of the circle, smiling down on every person in the room. She eyed them with a devious look that no one really liked, working out which person she'd pick first, though every one knew already it would be Ed.

"Waitasecond," Ed said. "Why do YOU get to have a chair to stand on? I want a chair."

Kawaii Neko blew the whistle again and Ed shut up. At least, every one thought he had shut up. He was talking, but it was more or less the effect you get when you mute the TV. Only Alphonse seemed to notice this, and started freaking out but no one really noticed him because Kawaii Neko had started talking again and she is the most important person in the room right now.

"Edo," she started with a smirk. "Truth or Dare."

The muted-TV effect stopped affecting Edward, who stopped talking after shouting rather loudly "-GUYS LISTENING TO ME? OKAY I'M MAYBE A LITTLE NOT-TALL FOR MY AGE BUT I-" He looked around the room to see several faces grinning evilly at him. Except for Riza, she never grins evilly. "Dammit," he muttered.

"EDO. KUN," Kawaii Neko reiterated. "TRUTH. OR DARE." She held the whistle threateningly close to her mouth now, and the rest of the cast could only guess what would happen next.

"Dare—I mean truth! Truth, truth!" Ed said hurriedly, hoping to Truth that Kawaii Neko's dare-and-or-truth wouldn't be as bad as that one time in 5th grade when... Well, he wasn't about to think about _that_.

Kawaii Neko smiled. "Dare it is!" she exclaimed enthusiastically. She tapped a finger to her chin thoughtfully. "Ed... I dare you... To do seven minutes in heaven with..." Her average eyes scanned the circle of people sitting around her. They stopped on none other than Jean Havoc. Havoc flinched. "Second Lieutenant Havoc!" She pointed her finger at the man in much of the same fashion as a defense attorney might point and shout at the unfair prosecution.

"Always Seven Minutes in Heaven," Havoc sighed, standing up.

"What? What's Seven Minutes in Heaven?" Ed asked, panicking. Roy burst into laughter.

Kawaii Neko smirked. "Alright Roy, since you think it's so funny, you can join them."

That shut him up. Quiet or not, all three of them were piled into a newly-appearing closet, which was too small for all three of them. "Have fun!" Kawaii Neko called as she slammed the door. She slapped her hands together quietly, as if she had just took out the trash. A prideful look on her face, she returned to her chair.

"How long are we going to have to wait for them?" Al asked, not understanding the concept of Seven Minutes in Heaven but understanding that some one would probably die stuck in a room with Roy and Ed.

"Seven minutes," Kawaii Neko replied, checking her stopwatch that read 3.34 seconds at the moment. After the stopwatch read 23.85 seconds, she stopped it. "Alright, guys," she called to the closet. "It's been seven minutes!"

"No it hasn't," Falman said mechanically. "It's only been 27.23 seconds."

Kawaii Neko glared at him, once again removing him from existence because he really wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. Only bishies and Riza and Winry could be there in the first place. She sauntered over to the door and opened it wide, allowing the three males to fall onto the carpet at her feet.

Each had disheveled hair, confused looks on their faces, and a desire to 'never in my life do that again'. Roy may or may not have been the exception to this because he was the one that had smuggled that playboy magazine into the closet, though how those lipstick stains on his face got there was any one's guess.

"Have fun?" Kawaii Neko asked sweetly.

"No. Hell no. Truth, don't ever make me do that shit again," Ed complained, sitting up and glaring daggers at the hostess, who just scoffed in reply. "Holy fuck that was... Dammit some one pass me the fucking mind bleach."

Kawaii Neko snapped her fingers so all of Ed's choice words appeared in asterisks to the reader, but gladly handed him a bottle of milk labeled bleach. After the hilariously cliched antics of Ed doing a spit take and discarding the homogenized cow juice, everything was brought back into order and it was explained that it was Ed's turn to pick the next contestant, much to the chagrin of Roy and Havoc.

"Winry," Ed said boredly, turning to his childhood friend. "Truth or dare?"

"I LOVE YOU EDWARD ELRIC," she boomed, afterward immediately covering her mouth with her hands in shock.

"What the ****?" Ed asked brokenly, about to fall over in a very anime-tastic manner.

Kawaii Neko looked like she was about to cry. "OH NO! That wasn't supposed to come out until Roy's turn."

Roy, who would normally have responded to his name with some sort of snark, was preoccupied.

"Stupid copy-paste!" Kawaii Neko cried, backspacing the previous conversation.

Ed sighed. "Alright Winry, it'll be your turn. Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Winry said bravely, rolling up her invisible sleeves and getting ready to hit any problem that may arise with a wrench.

"Punch Kawaii Neko in the face with your-"

At this point, Ed was cut off by a whistle and a screaming-rainbow stereotypical TV error screen covered the whole area. Things returned to normal with Ed shouting "FINE FINE DON'T PUNCH KAWAII NEKO IN THE FACE."

He shuddered, once again sighing and not forgetting to send another glare Kawaii Neko's way. "Why don't you... Bake a cake or something. I dunno knock yourself out."

Little did Edward know that Winry would actually knock herself out.

It took three hours, two hot tea leaves, one cup of black coffee, an army of Shiba Inu puppies, and a copy of last month's _Shojo Beat! _to wake Winry up, and when she did the person she picked to take the next dare (because really no one ever plays Truth or Dare, they play Dare or More Dare; By The Way You're Less Of A Pussy For Picking The Latter) was of course Ed.

"Why meeeee?" Ed whined.

"Because dare," Winry explained. "Now go get Alexander so he can lie on top of you for the rest of this chapter, and we can laugh at how hilarious and happy everything is before NinaXander was ever brought into the world."

Even though Ed never really got up and did any of that, Alexander ended up lying on a face-down Fullmetal Alchemist and much laughter was had. Ed picked Alphonse as the next contestant.

"Truth," Alphonse said expectantly, blushing slightly because he is just adorably awkward like that.

Ed glared for a whole two minutes at his brother; mind not being able to comprehend Truths that weren't totally god-like or in an ethereal 2nd dimension or whatever the Gate is, and couldn't think of a question.

If 'derped' is a verb that the author can get away with right now, it totally sums up what Ed just did.

"Who do you have a crush on?" Ed derped, fully knowing who it was.

"M-Mei..." Alphonse confessed, blushing harder. The whole roomed d'awwwwwed except for Kawaii Neko who didn't believe in Brotherhood and hated Chinese Asians anyway so didn't bother putting Mei in the room. If she had, then adorable couply times would be had by Mei and Al.

After a Alphonse recovered from losing a large chunk of his manliness, he said "Well I guess it's my turn to pick now, huh..." and scanned the room. After a full minute of him not picking any one, he turned to his brother nervously. "Hey bro," he said. "Truth or Dare?"

After a few more rounds of this (Ed daring some one who would just turn back and dare on him, despite all logic and reason—of course Riza didn't but that was because Ed was too afraid of what might happen should he ask her) he figured out that every one would simply turn back to him and the vicious cycle of milk, short rants, seven minutes in heaven, and forced impromptu make-out sessions, began to wear old. However, Kawaii Neko continued the game had to keep going and that she promised to never let this die or stop updating.

Either way, without a conclusion, Edward was stuck in Truth or Dare limbo, and he did not like this as much as bacey.

* * *

The man from earlier steps into the scene. His background consists of a mute Edward Elric screaming in terror as his mute friends laugh at his misfortune. The newspaper no longer accompanies him, but he pauses to take a drag from his cigarette.

"This sort of thing is normal to these brothers," he says, giving whoever is looking at him his full attention. "They may not remember a thing in the morning—should the morning ever arrive—but it most definitely is common place in the Elric schedule." He takes a step to the side, outlining exactly what's going on behind him.

"This is only a small fraction of what may be found here, and the Elric brothers are not the only victims of such a thing." A wise smile plays at his lips. "These sort of events are commonplace... In Fanfiction-dot-net."

* * *

**A/N: Phew! Gosh that took forever. I apologize for the mass amounts of homework I have had, but I'll try to keep on schedule with this. (I can't say the same for my other fic at the moment, but I WILL TRY GOSH DARNET)**

**Also I took a little more liberties with this one; and genuinely mocked some of the things I really hate while putting in somethings that I haven't the misfortune of actually seeing outside of My Immortal. I don't really know about you guys but I'm really starting to hate kawaii-neko_gurl80.**


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